contemplating motherhood

So, a puppy followed me home a week ago. I'll spare the details, but she was abandoned in the park and must have known I was a sucker who would take her in. She is up for adoption - just so you know - with Friends for Life. I refused to give her a name because I didn't want to get too attached, so they have given her the name (yuck) "Alexa." Whatever will help her find her forever home...

The puppy requires all sorts of attention - I am finding myself cleaning up poop and pee on a regular basis, worrying the bathroom will forever smell like dog urine, listening to crying when I put her to bed (shut the door to the bathroom with her on one side of the door and the rest of the family on the other), and feeling like I can't get five good solid minutes of focused attention on something without her bothering me. (She is trying to bite my fingers as I attempt to type this). All of this has made me apprehensive about the coming days of becoming a parent. The entire household is revolving around 'puppy' right now - Rosie has been sent upstairs to avoid the excitement she creates in the puppy. Mathilde has been closed into the extra bedroom where she can access her litterbox but the puppy, who wants to eat her poop, cannot. I've got the most makeshift get up in front of the stairs to keep the puppy from going up - a combination of a gate that doesn't quite fit, cardboard, the lid of a plastic tub, and zipties. I couldn't bring myself to leave her at the Humane Society where she would be euthanized, and I just hope someone adopts her very soon. Our household is full to capacity and I can only handle one baby animal at a time.

But I am beginning to wonder if I can handle one at all. This is a lot and it does not even begin to approach motherhood when the feedings are from my body and I don't get to sleep through the night. Jesse pointed out that the baby won't constantly try to bite us (as does the puppy) -then he added, well, not me. !!! I've seen my sisters breastfeed - I've seen the grimaces as they get the baby to latch on.

I've been spending a lot of time in the backyard with the two dogs while they play. I really wanted to monitor Rosie with the puppy for awhile as they adjusted. I don't really understand everything the dogs do - I have read some books, but the tendency to attribute human motivations to the pets is so strong. I have really been watching Rosie. I am so worried about her feelings and behavior with a little puppy joining the pack . I am wondering, "What will Rosie do?"

Rosie will assert her dominance over the pup, of course. But, she is very careful not to hurt the baby dog. She allows the pup to do things she would never allow another dog - such as take some food. I watch her discipline the annoying little thing as it bites her - everywhere - on her tail, paws, face, lips, ears, butt. Rosie, without the luxury of reasoning or language, can only consistently "correct" pup. She doesn't need words - she uses her actions. And her model behavior of going outside to relieve herself is doing far more to housetrain the pup than any human could.

She continues to go about her business and do what she perceives her job to be - protecting our house and us. The pup does not understand this behavior yet, but follows Rosie wherever she goes; trotting along behind her trying to keep up. Rosie gets frustrated sometimes and goes out to her den to dig and be alone. The pup wants to join, and she digs where Rosie digs. Rosie allows her to lay in the den, too; although I am sure she would prefer to have some peace and quiet without the constant pup bites from tiny teeth.

She needs my affection more than ever right now. Rosie comes up to me outside everyday looking for reassurance that she is my "good girl" and "pumpkin." She stands beside me and I rub her tummy or massage her hips, pet her ears and under her chin and tell her how much I love her and how great she is. I am very aware of how much reassurance she needs now that the pack is changed and she feels insecure about her status - her role - her importance. Now that everyone has to take care of this being that doesn't posses any self control, our own needs change.

Finally, the puppy is sleeping peacefully next to me. A moment's rest.

I knew that becoming a parent would be the biggest leap into the unknown I had ever taken. I knew it would be terrifying. As I looked at the first ultrasound where I could see the baby move, I felt wonder and joy, but also serious fear of the idea of another being living inside me. I told myself at that time that I just knew I would figure it out as I needed to. Now I am in that moment of the unknown - and worried that I won't be able to handle it, won't have what it takes, can't do this without losing myself. I am in the moment that I knew would come and I know there are a million more in the future. I told myself this was part of being fully human and I wanted to do it. I anticipated this...but I still feel scared.

Lights in the Heights

Last night we went to "Lights in the Heights" with our friends, Sara and Mohnie, and their two little girls, Shantih and Alexis. This event is touted as a sort of street parade in our neighborhood. It was quite an experience! The streets are closed to traffic, people decorate their homes with "major wattage," and there are various forms of entertainment along the way - sometimes at street intersections and sometimes on people's front porch or lawn. For example, in the photo above, a blue grass band is playing on someone's front lawn.


Here, Jesse, Mohnie and Sara (with Alexis on Jesse's shoulders) watch some of the entertainment.Here are Shantih and Alexis in front of my Christmas tree.


One of the entertainment corners was a drum circle and the kids could jump in and play.

Jesse and Alexis clap along with the bluegrass band while Sara looks on.

I could not get any good pictures of the lights. The most elaborate display was probably the lawn with a decorated boat parked in front, with Santa wakeboarding behind it in the trees. That lawn also included a decorated longboard, fully lit sunshine, and blue lighted waves. Pretty cool - I think it won the contest.

In addition to the bluegrass band and drum circle, there were also jazz performances, Djs, and belly dancers. However, one of the major elements of the "parade" was the people watching. It seems to be quite a "big party" - it was very popular to see folks walking the street parade with a cooler on wheels so you could host a sort of roaming party. These coolers were also often decorated with lights and such. We saw one gal who had a whole mini bar set up in a wagon with mixers and cranberry juice, and a group of men with a kegerator on wheels. There were also tons of kids and families who decorated their strollers with lights and reindeer antlers and such.

We had a great time and look forward to going again next year. I guess this is one advantages of Houston weather - its easy to be outside in December without too much discomfort!